Is your marriage in the danger zone?

I always feel the need to preface what I share with the fact that the only REAL relationship expert is God.  He alone knows what it truly takes to make our relationships last.  Anyone giving wisdom outside of God’s Word is setting you up for failure.  The truth is the truth. And God’s Word provides the principles that we need to have healthy relationships.  There are different methods that can be used to walk out the principles, but the principles never change. If you want a relationship that lasts, you must use the tools that are available to you.  And even those of us who teach on relationships, marriage, or life for that matter, are just as susceptible to falling into danger zones if we don’t use the very tools we teach on.

My college-sweetheart and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage (Feb 23).  I asked him the other night if he thought we would have made it to 10 years.  He looked at me with this genuinely confused face and said “of course! I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t think we would make it”.  Reason # 1908 why I love him!

I wish I could say that all 10 years have been smooth sailing.  Well.  I guess I could say that but I would be lying.  Marriage is not for chumps.  If you are going to give marriage any kind of chance both of you have to be real grown and willing to stick and stay.  I tend to be very transparent about my relationship because I think it’s good for people to see the good and the bad.  I get so frustrated when people paint their relationships as all sunshine with no rain.  I remember feeling like something HAD to be wrong with Lee & I because unlike other couples we didn’t always like each other, we had real arguments and I have slept on the couch on more than one occasion (just because when I try and kick him out the room he won’t go!). 

 So because there aren’t a lot of people who are willing to keep it 100 (yep..I know slang!), I often am very transparent about my marriage.    BUT…my line-sister had a ‘come to Jesus – mini Lemon squeeze’ with me recently and told me to stop sharing so much because while I am sharing from a good space, it may be used against me one day! So Kenya, because you are definitely one of the people with permission to check me…I will refrain from sharing too much.

 But what I will share is that marriage is one of the best things that ever happened to me.  It’s made me grow up – fast. It’s been one of the best tools God has used to help me be less selfish, more forgiving and patient.  It has also helped me accept the fact that my way isn’t necessarily THE way. Who knew?!

 Of course because we’ve hit that 10 year mark (10 years is the new 20 years!), I couldn’t help but reflect on what an amazingly crazy journey we’ve had.  I’ve been in love with my husband since I was 18.  And 19 years later, I am so thankful that we are still in love with one another and not just co-existing.

 I have also been reflecting on the seasons in our marriage that we did hit a rough spot.  I want to learn from those times so that when we hit the next rough spot we can navigate it better.  My reflection also turned to the many couples I work with who find themselves in the dry-period of marriage that happens to EVERY couple.  I started asking myself, what are the warning signs that your marriage is in trouble.  Below are some of the most glaring that came to mind.  Paying attention to these clues will get you closer to “happily forever after”.  Read through this list, be honest with yourself and your spouse, and if any of these things are true for your union, fix it. Today. 

 * Do you or your spouse treat God’s Word like a buffet that you can pick and choose from?

The old folks use to say “you don’t break God’s law. God’s law’s break you”.  This is still true today.  God’s Word is overflowing with life principles and direction for our lives.  We can’t pick and choose which parts of His Word that we want to apply to our lives and then cover our sins with “God knows my heart”.  All of us fall short, but to stay in a perpetual state of sinful behavior or to consistently do things outside of God’s will, definitely sets our marriage up for failure.  And remember, most of the time it’s not the big things! Song of Solomon 2:15 reminds us that it is the little things that we ignore that can get us in trouble. 

 * Are you and your spouse paying close attention to one another’s emotional / relational needs?

I currently have a survey posted for married (and single) people and the information is so enlightening.  One of the questions posed is “What is the greatest detriment to your marriage”?  Overwhelmingly people have shared that emotional neglect is eating away at their romance.  If you don’t know your spouses’ emotional / relational needs, ASK!  If you don’t know your own, figure it out!  But making sure you actively engaged in caring about your partners love language is critical to maintaining your marriage!

 * Are you and your spouse isolated?

I was chatting with one of my business mentors recently and she reminded me of this powerful principle.  All through scripture we are taught that being surrounded by accountability is important.  But what happens is that we want to protect our privacy and we don’t want folks knowing we are dealing with “THAT”.  And actually, my line sister Kenya is right.  Everyone doesn’t have to know what you are dealing with, but you must have identified people who can stand with you and your partner to pull you through the marital lulls that we all face!

 * Is your sex life stagnant and lacking spontaneity and creativity?

Marriage sex should be sexy, spontaneous and sensual.  Does that mean that it won’t ever get routine? Of course it doesn’t! Life happens.  But if routine is the norm and not the exception that is when you are entering the danger zone.

 * Are you and your spouse more connected as parents than you are as partners?

I recently shared that 80% of couple’s report that their marital satisfaction decreased after children.  And most of these couples are GREAT parents but they’ve lost themselves in their parental role.  If you and your spouse only talk about the children, only interact together when it involves the children and you don’t have an engaging life outside of the children, be intentional on working on that now!

 * Are you or your spouse inflexible and too stubborn to see and change your own issues?

I know this blog is getting long so I almost took this one out but I couldn’t! It’s just too important.  Many couples are disconnected because one or both people are so busy pointing the finger at the other that they can’t see how they contribute to the chaos in their romance.  To read more on this click HERE.

 * Do you or your spouse prefer to talk to someone else (same or different gender) about what’s important in your life before you talk to your partner?

Our spouses should be the main person we want to share the most important things in our lives.  Of course there are certain things that you spouse really wouldn’t be interested in.  For example, recently I had a concern about my daughter that was more of a female /mother thing. I mentioned it to Lee but I knew he wasn’t as moved by it as I was.  But my mom, sis and a few girlfriends were so concerned and understood where I was coming from! The bottom line is if you prefer to talk to everyone else but your spouse there is a chance your marriage is in trouble.

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With all of that said marriage rocks. It really does.  But it is not easy.  Paying attention to warning signs is a great way to make sure you are headed to “forever”. 

 (Happy Anniversary Lee. IBIUAOF…4life).

The FOUR type of people I need in my life

If you follow me on twitter (you don’t?  Why not? @robinmayspeaks ) or Facebook you may have noticed that I have been talking a lot about the importance of the people you have around you.

 Most of us who create (whether it’s through speaking, writing, song, etc) often do so from the season we find ourselves in.  And I am definitely in a season where it is critically important that I am vigilant and intentional about the people who are around me.

 Like never before I am very clear on what my God-ordained focus is to be in this season. I have laser-focus and I am willing to do what it takes to live out this season according to His perfect plan.

 But don’t confuse my clarity for fearlessness.  The fear is there.  The doubt of whether or not I can do it is there.  The “what-if’s”, the “why-me’s”, the “it’s not too late to turn back” is all there.  And because of my own negative self talk that I battle daily, I don’t have space for any one else’s negativity.

 Let me say that again.  I have to battle my own negative self-talk.  I don’t have time to battle the negative talk someone else has towards me.  That’s why you rarely hear me talk about haters.  I know they are there. As a matter of fact, I recently learned of someone intentionally working against me and my hubbs.  But I can’t focus on that. I have to let God fight those battles.  I can’t worry about someone else being against me when it’s taking all my energy to make sure I am not against me.  Last year I wrote a blog called “Are you a mole”?  You should read it.  But the overall point is, we are often so busy looking for the enemy OUT THERE that we forget about the enemy IN HERE (Point to your heart).

 And here is the crazy thing.  Even if we were to deal with the ‘enemy’ out there, we would miss it!  The “enemy” OUT THERE is never dressed in a red suit with horns so it’s hard to see them that way…and normally they are your friends, family or associates.   They aren’t really your ‘enemy’ (well…not all the time)…but it often seems like they are.  And their negativity is rarely blatant. It’s normally veiled behind a cutting remark followed by a “lol” or a dismissing statement about what you are doing followed by a “just kidding”. 

 I know that it may seem that someone else speaking negatively or dismissing your vision shouldn’t matter.  But once you get clarity or are seeking clarity on God’s purpose for you…you will begin to protect that clarity (your vision) as though it is a new-born baby.  And newborns can’t be around anything that will infect them because their immune systems are too weak and the infection could be fatal. That is the same way with your vision.  Allow it to be infected too soon and your ‘baby’ could die!

 So in this season of my life I can not tolerate anyone or anything that may cause me to shut down, back away or give up.  My vision has moved past the superficial or even the temporal.  It is under-girded by my values and it is getting me closer to being the wife and mother God has called me to be.  Therefore I am cleaning house. I can’t afford to let my vision die. That means I must be surrounded by people who I can encourage, support and hold accountable and those people who do the same for me.

 Let’s be clear.  This does not mean that I want to be surrounded by people who say what I want to hear or that are afraid to tell me when my idea needs to be tweaked or that my attitude is bad! But it means that if there is a critique, it is clear, in love and motivated by that persons desire to see me soar.

 Okay, so let me end this on a positive note.  Below are the FOUR types of people I love being around.  I am surrounding myself with people who make me want to be better, and I am truly blessed to have people in my life who meet all of these characteristics. 

 1. The PRAYERFUL

 I love the people who are in my life that I KNOW are in love with Jesus and they understand the power of prayer.  When this type of person says “I’m going to pray about that” you know they aren’t giving you the “cliché-church” response.  These people know how to cover you and just knowing they are seeking God on your behalf is comforting.

 2. The PASSIONATE

 This person makes you truly want to live life! They know how to enjoy themselves and they see everything as an adventure.  They rarely are bored or lifeless because they understand that every moment really is a gift!  Being around this person makes you want to try new things and take the limits off!

 3. The PEACEFUL

 One of my girlfriends fits this category so much because no matter how challenging life is, she faces it with a supernatural calm that is nothing short of a miracle.  The ‘peaceful’ isn’t removed from life’s troubles; they just know how to rest in God’s grace.  Things that make other people lose it, somehow they are able to face it, deal with it and keep moving with little unnecessary emotional strain.

 4. The PURPOSE-DRIVEN

 This person holds a special place in my heart. I am drawn to people who are living their lives on purpose and with purpose. Being around people who are not content with just existing…just taking life as it comes but who realize that they really are called to live their best life…those type of people encourage my soul.  But let’s be clear. I am not talking about someone who goes from one thing to the next with no rhyme or reason.  I mean those who have identified their calling(s) and have sought God as to how to walk it out in this season.  Those types of people remind me that I am on the right track.

 Those are the type of people I need in my life!

Your turn…in this season of your life what type of people do you want to be around? 

 

Are you working where God is?

Imagine that your boss gave you and your team an assignment to work on.  Each of you were assigned a specific part of the project that you were to work on individually.  You began working on the project right away because you wanted to impress your boss with your efficiency.  As you began working on the project you realize that it’s not as easy as you thought it would be.  But, instead of complaining or asking for any help from your boss or even your other co-workers, you decide to figure it out yourself.  By the time you are finished, you feel pretty good about the work you’ve done.  When it’s time for all of you to present your project you are excited because you know your part of the project is on point.

Right before you decide to leave your office to go to the meeting where you’ll present your project, you realize you’ve been so focused on work, you hadn’t checked your work emails in the last several days.  As you scroll through to see if there are any urgent messages, you see the little red exclamation mark and you realize that you’d missed an obviously important message from your boss.

As you read the message your heart begins beating fast because you realize something terrible has happened.  You’ve been so busy doing the work that you’d neglected to check in with the person who’d given you the assignment.  And now you’ve learned that while your boss still wanted you to complete what she originally gave you to do, she’d added a more urgent assignment to the team that took priority over the previous assignment.  And THIS assignment is what was to be presented at the meeting scheduled to start in just a few minutes.

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Can you imagine how you would respond in that sort of situation? I am sure that I would fake an illness, pass out on the floor or do something equally as dramatic just to save face and not have to deal with the embarrassment that would surely come from that situation. 

Well.  As crazy as that fictional story may seem, I believe some of us are living that very scenario right now in our day-to-day lives.

Recently during my quiet time, I prayed this simple prayer to God: “Daddy, help me to work where you are working”. 

See.  I am very clear that there have been many many many (Did I say many?) times where I have found myself plowing ahead, doing what I just KNEW was the work of the Lord in a specific area of my life, but I’d neglected to check in with my Boss.  I knew that it seemed like things were much harder than they should have been, but I ignored that feeling and kept going.  But when I finally took time to check in, I realized He’d given me a new assignment that took priority over the last.

Now keep in mind.  Each time this happened, my intentions were on point.  I was doing what I truly felt was God’s will for my life.  And honestly. I don’t think that His will had necessarily changed, but He simply wanted me to put more effort in another area.  But b/c I was so focused on THIS (or THAT), I’d missed His gentle nudge in a different direction. 

So, over the years, I’ve learned to consistently check in with the One who gives me the direction for my life.  I know that He orders my steps (Psalm 37:23), but I also know that I have to be in communication with Him to know which step He is guiding me too each and every day.  And when I am intentional about consistently staying connected to my Source, things always seem to go so much smoother.  Don’t get me wrong.  Doing the Will of the Lord isn’t always a stroll in the park.  But…God is the one who promises “…my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light”. (Matthew 11:30).  So, working where HE is working should come easier than doing your own thing in your own strength!

My former pastor use to always say “how scary would it be to become successful at the wrong thing”.  Whew! Just the thought gives me the shivers.  See, public success is often defined by financial prosperity or accolades from important people.  But there are many ‘successful’ doctors who God really called to be a teacher…; or ‘successful’ lawyers who God called to full-time ministry.  Many people have public success but deep down feel like a private failure…they have little peace because they didn’t check in with the One who matters most.

By now, if you follow my blogs you know that one of my fav scriptures is Philippians 2:13 (NLT).  And this summarizes my point.  “ For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him”. We must pay attention to where God is working in us so that we know we are doing what pleases Him! Don’t get so caught up with your “to-do” list that you forget to check-in to see God’s updates for your life.

So.  Again.  As often as possible, I pray that one line prayer and then I try to stay quiet enough to hear His response. 

“Daddy, help me to work where you are working”. 

 

The beauty of sisterhood!

I know.  When some of you saw that title you frowned up, shook your head and say “ummm…no ma’am! I don’t fool with women like that”.

I understand.  I have had my share of relationships with women that have gone sour.  But you know what…I’ve had enough relationships with other women that have been encouraging. 

My girlfriends remind me of how powerful I am…

They hold me down when I feel like giving up….

They cry, pray or laugh with me, depending on which one I need and when…

And it is my prayer that I am there for them as well.

Confession: I watch Reality TV.  A lot of it.  And honestly, I am not sure what has me so captivated because the reality tv that I see…is just not my reality. 

My reality is that while over the years (and even THIS year) there are friendships that I have had to let go or slowly disconnect from, it was not done with a round of cursing, yelling, and definitely not fighting.  I just chose to release them from the previous role they played in my life. 

My reality is that while there are a few women who say mean or hurtful comments to me, more than that the women in my life are uplifting, encouraging and spiritual.  And I would love to believe that I attract women like that because that is the woman who I am (Prov 27:17).

The bottom line is that I understand that if I am truly going to sour…if I am going to get to the next level in my life, I can not do that alone! I must be surrounded by people who will hold me accountable and remind me why I do what I do, when what I do begins to drain me.

I want to let you know the same is true for you! You can not get to where you want to be independently. I’m sorry. You just can’t.  It takes strategic partnerships and relationships…and yes..that includes relationships with women.

So with all of that said…yes…this is leading somewhere…

Part of what makes my heart beat is empowering & connecting women! So I have created a platform, “Friends with Vision” that will allow me to do that!  The launch of this network will be on Sunday, Jan 22  at a luncheon called “Celebrating Sisterhood”! We will honor a woman (Valerie Morgan) who is doing great things in her community. In addition, we will INSPIRE, IGNITE and INVEST in one another as we all strive to make 2012 rock!

If you are local I would love for you to attend! You can get your ticket to the luncheon (ticket price includes a delicious 3-course Italian meal) by clicking HERE! If you are not local, while you may not be able to attend the luncheon, you can still be a part of this powerful network. Check out THIS video!

Lastly, in honor the beauty of sisterhood, here is a MUST – HAVE Girlfriend Guide! Check it out & let me know which girlfriend describes you!

(Fella’s. I kind-of left ya’ll out with this post huh? So sorry…)

“This is just who I am”: The unexamined life that could kill your romance

“This is just who I am…”

“I am such-and-such years old; it’s too late for me to change…”

“You knew this about me when we got together, why are you trippin’ now…”

I could go on and on with these examples.  You have probably used one of these or something similar. 

Come on…be honest.

I’ll go first. 

*Standing up and saying with humility* “My name is Robin and I am stuck in my ways and I definitely don’t like to be criticized”.

Whew! That felt good.

Now…can you admit the same thing?

Isn’t that what it boils down too? 

I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced this.  Your boy/girlfriend, fiancé or spouse has pointed out something that irritates / frustrates / annoys them about you, and your first reaction is a defensive “well, if you don’t like it then maybe you need to be with someone who doesn’t do that”…type of a response!

Wait…you need more examples?  Okay…here you go:

“Maybe who she/he thought they fell in love with isn’t who I really am…”

“If you can’t accept me for me then that’s just too bad…”

“I am happy with who I am…”

The reason these excuses sound so good is because there is a HINT (and I mean just a HINT) of truth in them. 

Yes. 

•  All of us should be able to embrace who we are…the good, bad and ugly. 
• We want our significant other (SO) to be able to look past our shortcomings and love us anyway. 
• We shouldn’t try and change ourselves every time someone points something out that they don’t like.

The problem is that many of us take the truth of those statements…and we take them waaaay tooo faarr!

I love the quote that says:   An unexamined life is not a life worth living.

  Read that again…

An unexamined life is not a life worth living.

When you refuse to look at some of the things you say & do…or you refuse to examine how you are ‘showing up in the world’, you are choosing to live an unexamined life and that is not the foundation to a healthy relationship.

I teach a series called “Seven Secrets to a Successful Romance” (click HERE to take the course in the comfort of your own home. Perfect for individuals or couples).  One of the MAIN secrets is that if you want to have a successful romance you MUST be self-aware.  But self-awareness is not enough.  You MUST be willing to do something about the ‘stuff’ that you become aware of; especially if that ‘stuff’ is hindering the growth of your romance.

So when you use one of the excuses listed above as to why you refuse to at least examine whether there is any truth to what your SO is pointing out, then you are choosing to live an unexamined life.   It doesn’t mean that every time someone points something out to you, that you must go on a mission to ‘fix’ yourself. 

What it does mean…is that if you have committed to being in a relationship, part of what God does through the person we are with (especially our spouses) is that He allows our relationship to expose those parts about us that need to be molded, shifted and even at times eliminated. 

I believe one of the greatest things about a healthy relationship is that it is a constant mirror.  We are able to see ourselves, flaws and all, and determine if we are courageous enough to make the change needed to be a better person. 

Ya’ll know how I learn best from real life examples & assuming others do too, I try to be as transparent as possible about the ways my husband and I drop the ball (and how we try to pick it back up).  So here is an example of how this played out recently for us:

Last year my husband and I were in the midst of a real good argument.  You know…one of those that get real heated and neither of you are ready to back down.  Well at one point my husband begins to go off about how sarcastic I am.  Now Lee is normally on 5 so when he gets to 7 or 8, while I don’t show it at that time, I pay way more attention.  So he was on “8” (I think he even used a curse word!!) and was saying how my mouth gets on his nerves.  He said that I always have something smart to say or that I think my sarcasm is funny all the time and it really isn’t. 

Well, can I be honest?  It really hurt my feelings.  And my first response to him was “Oh. Really?  That’s how you feel? We’ve been together 18 years! And I’ve been this way for that long! You’ve been holding all this in this long.  Oh. Ok!  Well, I got you.  This means you don’t like me.  You really don’t like who I am…b/c my sarcasm is a part of who I am!”  And I was so serious.  I promise I didn’t talk to him for several days (don’t do as I do…! Lol).  I was convinced that we were in some serious trouble because I made up in my mind that he wanted me to change everything about myself and I was not going to do that (I know.  Drama).

But let me tell you how the Holy Spirit began to get me. God allowed me to see me through my 4-year-old.  My daughter is so very sarcastic and ‘she get it from her mama!’.  Now I love Ry’s quick wit and I love how her questions make you really have to think about what you just said.  But that mouth of hers…  Whew! It wears me out.  And I realized…even though there were parts of that sarcasm that was funny to me…not all of it was.  But regardless, I still loved ALL of her.  Just b/c I see some areas that need smoothing out…I still love all of that little girl.  So if I can love her, in spite of those things that make me wanna put her up for adoption…then maybe, when my husband pointed out an area that irked him…maybe that DIDN”T mean that he didn’t still love and even like me.

So I made the decision to stop being defensive and listen to what he was saying.  I realized that trying to join two lives together takes work and that includes being willing to grow…to mature…and yes…even to CHANGE. (Yes…it has taken me almost 10 yrs of marriage to get this. *shrugs shoulders*)

So the next time you find yourself holding on to the lie that “I can’t change” just remember….you are powerful beyond measure. 

You CAN change.

 You just have to decide if you are willing too.

12 Books You Should Read in 2012

Yep. I’m going to keep playing on this year and the number “12″. It makes me feel more spiritual!

I love when people share what books they are currently reading.  I truly believe that our opportunity to be the best in all areas of our life is directly tied to what we are feeding our mind and spirit! So in addition to the WORD of GOD, below are 12 books (with TWO bonus books!) that I think everyone should read this year!

As you review the list, you’ll see more than the 12 books (plus the 2 bonus books).  That is because I have separated the books into categories and so the women should not include the books for men and vice versa in their 12-count.  Also, Single women should not include in their count books for single men (and vice versa).  The category that says “For Men” are books that my husband, Lee, believes that men should read this year.  

Once you finish reading my list, share it with others…but most importantly, don’t forget to share with me what books YOU are reading this year!

MY 2012 SUGGESTED READING LIST

Self help

“Now Discover Your Strengths” – Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton

 “You Can Heal Your Life” – Louise Hay

“Where Will You Go From Here” – Valorie Burton

 Bonus: “48 Days to the Work You Love” – Dan Miller

 Intimacy with God

“When Life and Beliefs Collide” – Carolyn Custis James

“Breaking Free: Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life” – Beth Moore

“So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore” – Dave Coleman

 Women

“Women on the Edge: Turning Desperate Times into Desire for God” – Cindi McMenamin

 “The Resolution for Women” – Priscilla Shirer

“For Women Only in the Workplace”  – Shaunti Feldhahn

Men

“Between a Rock and a Hard Place” – Tony Evans

“Back to Work” – Bill Clinton

“Total Money Makeover” – Dave Ramsey

Single Women

“Before You Take His Name” – Robin May

“Every Womans Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment” – Sharon Ethridge

 “The Single Mom’s Devotional: A Book of 52 Practical and Encouraging Devotions”  –  Carol Floch

Single Men

“Hero: Becoming the Man She Desires” – Fred Stoeker

“Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time” – Stephen Arterbum

“The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting without a Partner” – Armin Brott

 Marriage

“Boundaries in Marriage” – Henry Cloud & John Townsend

 “For Married Women Only” / “For Married Men Only” – Tony Evans

“Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship” – Gary Chapman

 Bonus (For wives):  “Sexplosion: A Biblically Based Sexual Intimacy Workbook for Wives” – Ramona Bailey

 

My Life Lessons for 2011

 I know we say it all the time, but seriously, this year went by with lightening speed. This year, like ones before was filled with sunshine and rain…and we all know we need both if we are going to prosper and grow!

 Over the last several years I’ve seen many people downplay the transition from one year to another.  I am not sure what the reason is for this, but I personally believe that whenever we are ending one thing to enter something new it is wise to reflect, regroup and reenergize.  I have written several times that we shouldn’t wait till the New Year to make life changes, but in addition to regular adjustments throughout the year, end of the year processing is wise.

 So as I do each year, here are my personal lessons learned in 2011:

 Lesson # 1:  Hold all things loosely

 My big brother Darwin Hobbs has said this to me many times.  Each time I hear him say it, it has resonated with me, but for some reason this year it really rang true.  The bottom line is that nothing in life is guaranteed other than the consistency we find in God’s love, mercy and grace!  Therefore holding all things loosely means that while we may love the situations and people in our life, we shouldn’t hold these things with a closed fist. 

 If we are blessed to have an amazing job, a beautiful home, financial security or even an amazing relationship with our loved ones, we cannot hold those things so tightly that when things change (& they will change) we are unable to move with God’s flow! 

 This lesson showed itself in so many areas of my life this year.  As new opportunities have come in my life, I remind myself that God gives and God takes away.  And I don’t want anything that He doesn’t want for me, so even when it’s hard for me to change I remind myself that I ultimately want what He wants for me.

 Lesson # 2:  All things really do work together for good

 By now those of you who have read my blogs know that I am a reformed worrier.  Okay.  Let me be honest.  I am trying to become a reformed worrier!  I can find something to worry about for me, you and your mama too!  But this year I have really learned that Romans 8:28 is not just an overly quoted scripture.  It truly is a Word that when remembered can transform your life….and it has mine.

 This year I made a conscious choice to try not to get worked up by my normal triggers and to see what happened.  And each time I did that, things really did work out.  The bill was paid, the car was fixed, the plumbing issue was resolved, the argument was settled, the contract was worked out…on and on and on…! I shared my revelation with my husband who is so not a worrier, and he simply said “I’ve been telling you for years that the drama doesn’t make things work…God does”.  I really didn’t like that response, but he was right.  God’s got it.  I can do my part and rest in Him to create beauty from my mess.

Lesson # 3: We really do contribute to any chaos in our lives

 This lesson to me is revolutionary.  When I am working w/ clients, initially this frustrates them because all of us want to blame someone for where we are and what is happening around us.  But the down and dirty truth is that ‘wherever you go…there you are’.  So if you find yourself always in the midst of drama….if you are always broke…if your heart is always broken…you are the only person who is the common denominator in this picture. 

 When we look at any chaos in our lives, it is critical to look at the part we play in the situation.  Even in those situations that we may not have caused / created, we still play a part in how it is manifesting in our lives.  I wrote a blog recently about getting off of your roller coaster.  All of us have some issue in our life that we keep facing time and time again…and at some point we all have to say “enough is enough”!

 This year there are about 2 or 3 situations that I so wanted to blame others for, but as I applied the truth of this lesson I had to swallow my pride and admit that I am the only one that can make the changes that are necessary to resolve the situations.  Taking responsibility and refusing to play the blame game is scary but liberating. 

 Lesson # 4:  Do all you do for an audience of One!

 It is so easy to get caught up in the opinion of others.  I am not even sure that those who say “I don’t care what others think” are being totally honest.  I believe most of us care what others think and that is not necessarily a bad thing.  We all should reflect an image of Christ and if others don’t see that, we should be concerned.  BUT…if we are living our lives in an effort to receive acceptance, approval or acknowledgement from others we will constantly find ourselves ”puppet-ed” by what others think. 

 Trying to free ourselves from seeking the positive or negative opinions of people is difficult but important.  Even when people have the best intentions, finding your worth in what they think is dangerous.  People’s opinions change like the seasons. Today they may think your confidence is inspiring.  Tomorrow that same confidence they may identify as arrogance and decide that you think too much of yourself.  That is why each of us should do what we do seeking only a standing ovation from the King.  And if He is pleased, those who don’t agree are the ones with the issue. 

 Lesson # 5:  Dreams really do come true

 As grown folks who have gone through a lot of life ‘stuff’, sometimes our ability to simply dream gets stifled.  But if we don’t allow ourselves some time to simply dream we will find ourselves living life with little excitement and joy.  This year, I learned that dreams really do come true.  One of my closest girlfriends (hey Tara!) and my husband conspired together to get me tickets to the Oprah Winfrey Show during her last season!  I’d been to a show before (again thanks to Tee!) but it was in D.C. So to be able to be in the studio for one of her last tapings was incredible.  That may seem small to some, but for me it was a huge reminder that God really does care about the little things that are important to us. 

 Because of that dream coming true, this year I truly felt freed up to dream about some other things ….and low and behold…slowly but surely, some of those things began to come true as well!  I have often been afraid to dream a little…but this year, my confidence in the surprises was renewed!

 So…these are my life lessons!  Your turn! What did you learn in 2011?

 

 

Monday Morning Moment of Motivation_Dec 26

Here is your Monday Morning Moment of Motivation.  You can also listen to the audio by clicking  HERE!

Wow! I can’t believe that we have reached the last Monday of the year!  I made a personal commitment this year to connect with all of you at least once a week, and I am so excited that I was able to stick to that commitment.  Every Monday we’ve taken a moment to be refreshed and to refocus on the week to come.

 I have so enjoyed the journey with you this year! Today is our very last Moment of Motivation blog, but no worries…I have some very exciting plans for 2012…and all of you will be the first to know of all the details! And look out for a Moment of Motivation devotional that will be a compilation of all of the weekly blogs I’ve done.

 Again, this year has been awesome…next year is gonna be awesome-er…yep…I just made up a word!

 Okay. Now for your moment of motivation:  Each week my goal has been to…yes…motivate you.  My hearts passion is to help others tap into their passion and to live the life they were created to live.  I truly believe God and His Word…and He said that He came to give us life and life more abundantly.  And each week it has been my focus to help you focus on what it means to really live the abundant life.

 So I believe it is apropos for me to end with the following example of truly living the life that was crafted & created just for you.  It’s a simple example but it sums it up beautifully for me.  A friend of mine owns her own nanny service…she takes care of babies and even dogs! Yes….dogs.  She makes a really substantial living and loves what she does.  Recently she sent me (and several others) an email stating that she’d been given the most incredible offer.  A former client had moved to New York and couldn’t find anyone that they could trust to dog-sit for them while they went out of the country.  The wanted to fly my friend to New York, pay her premium rates for dog-sitting, allow her to stay in their place, give her access to their car, leave extra money for food, and even offered to get her a ticket to any plays that she might want to see while there. 

 Think about how awesome that is! She got a free…two week vacation, because her former clients couldn’t find anyone else that they  trusted to take care of their dogs! As someone who is not a dog-lover, that is amazing to me! She wasn’t flying in to care for a human…but a pet!

 For my friend, it just confirmed for her that she was good at what she does! She didn’t go to school to learn how to be a nanny or to pet-sit…but she has carved out her niche and is doing it well enough to be in high demand.

 What does that mean for all of us?  It’s simple.  Do what you were created to do.  Do it well.  And watch how God uses you to bless others!  Just like my friend, we all should be in such high demand that people say “I need you because I can’t find anyone else who can do what you do, the way you do!”. 

 As we close out this year, and we start preparing for 2012, let us all remember that we were created for a purpose. There is an assignment (or should I say assignments because I don’t believe we have just one) that your heavenly Father planned for you.  And your life’s focus should be to finish our assignments and hear “Well done my good and Faithful servant”. 

 It’s time for you to do “you”! There are people who are waiting on you to walk in your purpose so  they can walk in theirs!  The time is now! 

 This is Robin May with your Moment of Motivation!  Have a great week!

 ** Audio featuring Jazz instrumentals by Ron James. Song entitled “I Feel Ya’”.  Check Ron out on Itunes

Should I stay or should I go? 2 questions for dating couples!

Well we are on a countdown till the New Year.  I am going to take the next few days off from work to simply refresh from 2011 and to prepare for 2012. 

 But before I do, I wanted to share something with those who are not married, but are in a relationship.  I am specifically posting for those of you trying to decide if you want to move forward with the relationship you are currently in.

 I am often amazed at how much people put up with when they are simply dating someone.  I’ve been there. Done that.  So, if you find yourself in that situation, this post may help. 

 Now, this may be the shortest blog on the topic of relationships that I’ve written.  But the truth is while this topic seems like it is complicated…it really isn’t.

 Over the last few months it seems that I have had more clients who are asking themselves “Should I stay in this relationship”?   My clients are often torn because they truly love the person they are with, but they don’t love how the relationship makes them feel.  I could go into a whole blog about being on an emotional roller coaster, but I’ve done that already.  Click HERE if you haven’t read it.

 While I know relationships can be complicated, I want to challenge you to ask yourself two simple questions to determine if you should take this relationship into the New Year.

 And I’m going to make it even easier.  I’m going to give you the answer to the questions.

 If you are unable to answer a solid YES to both questions…then you may want to end this romance and end it quickly!

 So.  As you are spending time with your significant other during the holidays…

 As you take time to recap 2011 and plan for 2012…

 As you evaluate the things that matter most to you….

 I want you to take some time to answer these 2 simple questions. 

 And I have a BOLD promise.

 If you answer these 2 questions honestly & transparently, you will not only have clarity about your romance…but it will also give you insight into yourself!

 So are you ready? (At this point I am just trying to drag the post out so it won’t be so short…this is really simple…it could have been two lines…):

 Ok…here are your two questions:

 Q1: Have you identified what your core needs are in a romantic relationship and is the person you are with willing to meet those needs?

 Q2:  Have you identified what you are not willing to tolerate in a romantic relationship and is the person you are with willing to agree not to do those things?

 See. I told you it was simple. 

 If you are not married, then your relationship status really does start with these 2 questions.

 Sure…there are a lot of other things that two people need to work out if they are going to be together…especially those of you who are not interested in casual dating and are looking to build a future with someone.  There are many questions to ask (as a matter of fact, I wrote a book about it for women. Click HERE). 

 But if you are trying to decide if the person you are romantically involved with needs to go with you into 2012….answering those two questions will give you the answer.

 Maybe I should elaborate on the questions a little more. 

 Ok. 

 But it is still going to be quick.

 Q1: Have you identified what your core needs are in a romantic relationship and is the person you are with willing to meet those needs?

 We all have “core relational needs”. For example, one of my relational needs is “support”.  My husband’s relational need is “appreciation”.   If I were dating my husband and I expressed to him that it is important to me that he supports me in what I do, and he refused to do that, then I would need to realize that maybe this isn’t the relationship I need to be in. 

 For those of you not familiar with relational needs, maybe you’ve heard of the term Love Languages.  My primary love language is “Words of affirmation”. My husband’s is “physical touch” (of course! Men…gotta love ‘em! Lol!).  If you are dating someone and after you have identified your love language and they choose to ignore what you have shared, then consider that a….RED FLAG!

 Now let’s be clear…I don’t mean the person you are with won’t drop the ball now and again.  And I also don’t mean that your partner is responsible for jumping at your every request, but if someone loves you, they want you to feel loved….and they do that by working to meet the relational needs you have.

  Q2:  Have you identified what you are not willing to tolerate in a romantic relationship and is the person you are with willing to agree not to do those things?

 For some reason I often get a lot of flack about the idea of non-negotiable.  But I stand by this.  I believe that the Bible tells us that if we do not have a vision we will perish.  And I believe that includes a vision for our relationship. 

 If I am going to be with someone I think it makes sense for me to know exactly what I am not willing to tolerate.  I won’t go into a lot of details about it…because..yep…you guessed it… I have written about it before.  Click HERE to check it out.

 But on a very basic level, I think we all know what our non-negotiables are and if the person we are with refuses to respect that, we need to decide if we will stay in that romance.  For example:  Is fidelity a nonnegotiable? Honesty?  Compromise? Are you willing to tolerate any less than that?  If not, then the person you are with should respect that.

 Now remember:

 # 1: People will make mistakes.   None of us are perfect.  Messing up is not the issue.  But when someone continues to make the same mistake with no true commitment to change, then you have to decide if you will tolerate that. 

 #2:  Remember this post is for those of you who are dating.  You haven’t made a covenant with God through marriage.  You are still in the decision-making stage.  Answering these questions will simply help you make the right decision.

 #3:  This is not about changing the other person.  You simply cannot do that.  This is about being clear about what is important to you, and living your life with that standard. 

 Oh. 

 Remember my BOLD promise?  I said answering these questions will reveal something to you, about you?  Well, first, make sure you answer that question as if your significant other asked it to you.  Are you willing to meet their needs?  Are you willing to respect their non-negotiables?  You can’t set a standard you aren’t willing to meet. 

 So that’s it…. Those are the 2 question you have to ask as you end this year and enter the next.

 I guess this blog wasn’t that short after all.  

Merry Christmas!

12 Tips for Couples in the New Year!

You know everyone that has a blog, or any type of audience will be sharing 12 tips, ideas, suggestions for 2012! I figure, if you can’t beat ‘em…join ‘em!

So here is my list of the TOP TWELVE  THINGS EVERY COUPLE SHOULD DO IN THE NEW YEAR!

1.      Make a plan

 What are your life goals for the year?  What do you want to accomplish financially, with your career or personally?  Any goals for the children?  What will make this year feel successful to you?  As a couple you and your partner must sit down and strategically map out what measureable goals you have together and separately.  Doing this will ensure that the two of you are on one accord with the vision you have for 2012.  Now remember, while it is critical that we not only have a vision, we must also write the vision.  But leave room for God to adjust and change your plan according to His will.  

 2.      Forgive

 I know she upset you.  And I know he tripped out.  But if you have decided to stay in the relationship, then that means you have must decide to forgive.  Forgiving someone does not mean you will not remember it. We are human. Of course we will remember. And some issues may still require ongoing support to facilitate healing.  But if you want your relationship to grow and not be stagnant you must forgive him/her and commit to moving forward.   & heck…I bet you have a few things that you want some forgiveness about as well.  Those who need grace should show grace.

 3.      Be more intimate

 If you are married….read “Be more intimate” as “have more sex”! Be creative.  Get out of the bedroom. Create an “Intimacy bucket list” where you come up with a list of “intimacy-must do’s” for the year. Stay as far away from the “64 times a year” as you can! If you are a couple that is not married and is practicing celibacy, 1^st of all…good for you! Secondly, remember true intimacy is so much more than a sexual act.  Learn to connect without sex and when it’s that time to be intimate your sexual connection will be unimaginable.

 4.      Have that tough conversation

 Every couple has an issue that they try and avoid…but no matter how hard they try, it keeps coming up.  This year, stop avoiding it.  Face it head on.  Talk about it.  Cry about it.  Deal with it. Get help about it.  Remember, in most cases where there is a big ‘issue’…it isn’t the ‘issue’ but the thoughts, perceptions and feelings behind the issue.  Deal with THAT and more than likely the ‘issue’ will not seem as tough as it once was.

 5.      Go on a trip

 Something happens to a couple when they are able to get away from their day to day scenery’s, go somewhere new, and remember why they fell in love in the first place. Your trip doesn’t have to be anywhere expensive…just make sure it is relaxing and provides time for you and your partner to get reconnected.  Oh…and most importantly, this trip needs to be KID FREE!

 6.   Schedule several days in the year to play ‘hooky’ 

So you have one trip planned.  Now take some time and schedule at least 3 days in the year that you can play hooky!  These days are not overnight.  Instead of going to work you and your significant other will just spend the entire day doing whatever you want too.  Again…this is not a day for the children to play hooky too.  Send them to school! Your children are not school age? That’s okay…you can do a one day “drop-in” at the daycare.  I promise, your children will be just fine being away from you for a few hours.

 7.      Invest in your relationship

 I know.  You are a relationship expert and there is nothing that anyone can tell you about making your relationship work.  *insert sarcastic look here*.  Every couple needs to be intentional about investing into their relationship through seminars, books, counseling or coaching. This year decide what you and your significant other will do to learn relationship principles that you can apply to take your romance to the next level.

 8.      Find a joint hobby

 Relationship experts say that couples that spend constructive leisure time together often report being more connected than those that don’t.  Consider trying out a hobby that both of you will enjoy.  Join a bowling league or a book club.  Take an acting or cooking class together.  Too busy to do anything that organized?  Consider taking up running, play dominoes or start a ‘do-it-yourself’ project.    The goal is to enjoy life in a leisure way, consistently with your significant other.

 9.      Connect w/ other couples

 Because our lives can get so busy, what often falls by the wayside is time with friends.  But having positive couples that you can connect with can help make your relationship stronger.  Remember iron really does sharpen iron.  And the bonus that comes from spending time with other couples is that it provides accountability for you and your partner.  Being around people that love you and want your relationship to work can help keep you connected during those rough patches that are sure to come.

 10.  Have some time apart

 If you are one of those couples that can’t do anything without the other…cut it out!  I know. You are so in love.  Yep, I get it. She is the ying to your yang…he is the glue that holds you together.  How special. But again I say…cut it out!  The two of you must have some time that you are apart…pursue your own interest, hang out with your friends, have some quality time to yourself.  Even if you are married, while you are “ONE” you are also an individual.  It’s okay to have some time to just do ‘you’.

 11.  Give the benefit of the doubt

 Most of the time when we’ve felt wronged or hurt, the offending person really didn’t have ill intention. So in 2012, watch what happens if you let more things slide off your back.  Instead of picking a fight, nagging about a situation or making a big deal of something, surprise your significant other by saying “no problem, its cool”.  Instead of automatically thinking negatively, this year…I dare you to assume the best!

 12.   Dream

 When was the last time you and your significant other took some time to simply dream about your future?  I don’t mean the regular goal setting…I mean “pie-in-the-sky”, “your wildest wish” sort of dreaming!   As adults many of us have allowed ‘life’ to suck out our ability to dream beyond our circumstances!  So in 2012, take some time to simply dream.  Share your personal dreams, dreams you have for your family,  and even dreams you have for your partner…don’t let money, opportunity or anything else hinder you from dreaming the impossible. Because who knows….your dreams just might come true!

****** 

Well, that’s my list….what are you planning to make sure your relationship stays strong in the New Year?