Relationship Christmas List?

Have you ever gone to the store for milk or maybe eggs and by the time you left the store you had 3 other items and had forgotten the very thing you went to the store for?

Unfortunately this has happened to me several times. However each time there has been one thing in common. I went to the store without a list. Often what happens is that I get to the store and I become easily distracted by everything else around me. Yes, I went to the store for milk…but those cookies really are calling my name. Or walking in the door I had my mind on eggs, but the special the store was running on steak really caught my attention. And because I didn’t have a list, I have found myself sidetracked by other things that appealed to me, and simply forgot what was most important at that time.

While it may seem like a stretch to compare our romantic relationships to a grocery store item, it really isn’t. The premise holds true when it comes to our desire to connect with the “right” person.

As a relationship coach I am a strong advocate for having what some people call a “list” of requirements when dating. The only difference is that I refer to the “list” as ‘non-negotiables’ or standards.  And honestly I am astonished at the many people who disagree with this idea.

Think about any major decision you make in your life.

How did you decide which college to attend?

What about how you decided on your major?

If you’ve purchased a car or house, what went into that decision?

What helped you decide to accept or decline the last job offer you received?

I am sure with all of these scenarios you had a “list” or in my terms, you had criteria you were unwilling to compromise on (‘non-negotiables’) as you pondered your decision. Why not take that same mindset into deciding if the person you are dating is a match for you? The ultimate goal is a life time union right? If so, doesn’t it make sense to have some type of standard when it comes to your partner?

Now let me be clear. I don’t support or believe in superficial, surface, causal lists. As a matter of fact, I often frown at these lists that consist of how much money someone should make, what type of car they should drive and the type of home they ‘must’ life in. And what’s funny is that often persons who have that type of list can’t even measure up to their own standard. The type of standards / ‘non-negotiables’ I am referring to would speak to issues of the heart, character traits and personality expectations.

For example, when I was dating, I had a very simple list of ‘non-negotiables’. The man I dated seriously would need to have a relationship with God that was manifested through his decision-making, actions and words, be respectful towards the women in his life including his mother, sister, female friends, etc., and during the course of our relationship I had to know that he was a man who would work (it didn’t matter what type of job, I just needed to know he was serious about taking care of himself and not being taken care of by others). For me, I was not willing to compromise on those things.

 Prior to marriage, like most young women, I causally dated. Some of the men seemed to really have it going on. However, because I had my ‘list’, I was not distracted. One gentleman might have had a great 401k but the way he talked disrespectfully about his mother was not excusable to me. Another young man might have been a great dad to his son, but told me that he didn’t see a need to pray or seek guidance from a God that he couldn’t see. And while all of that might have been okay for another woman…it definitely wasn’t okay for me in regards to a long-term romantic relationship.

Keep in mind that it really is okay to have a more detailed “list”. If you want to list eye color, height, someone who does / doesn’t have children, etc, that is fine. I take seriously the Bible’s direction to write our vision ( Habakkuk 2:2). I think it’s important to envision what you desire. But I also think that the longer your “list” is, the harder it will be for you to connect with the person you desire to marry. I encourage my clients to have a very short list of ‘non-negotiables’ but on their “dream” list they can be more specific. Understanding that the extended list consist of things that they “want’ but those things should definitely not be deal breakers. And again…it is relationship suicide to place on your list anything that you can not measure up to (i.e. you can’t expect someone to be debt free if you are dodging the collection calls).

So with that…go ahead…make your list and check it twice…but whatever you do, don’t take your written list to the store…oops…I mean on your date! You don’t want to scare anyone off! And it really is okay to go out on date for…dare I say it???….Just for Fun!

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