Married women: This is REAL talk!

Ladies.  Married ladies specifically.  This is for you.  Wait. Let me keep it real.  This is for us…me included.

I am always baffled when I hear women tripping because their husband wants to have sex…and a lot of sex…with them. 

 Really?  Think about it.  What in the world is wrong with that? 

 Your husband wants to be sexually intimate with you.  And he wants to be sexually intimate with you OFTEN!  And you are tripping about that?

 Let me remind you of something you already know:  Our husbands did not get married to practice celibacy! We should not withhold sex to prove our point, to manipulate or to control our men (***).

 If this isn’t stepping on your toes already…then no need to continue.  This is for the rest of us.

  A woman should want to please her husband sexually. She should be creative in the bedroom and be willing to explore.  There is nothing wrong with expressing your sexuality in uninhibited ways.  Let’s face it. Most people came into marriage having had some sexual experience in the past.  Why in the world would we consider letting our “marital” sexual experiences be dry, boring and unimaginative when we weren’t ‘boring’ before we said “I Do”?  I am trying to keep this as ‘safe’ as possible…so I won’t go where I really want to go.  All I will say on this point is:  The marriage bed is undefiled….(Hebrews 13:4)

 Now wait. Before you clock out on me, keep reading.  And know that even as I am prayerfully penning this blog, I am right there with you.  So let down your guard.  We are on the same team!

 I have talked before about the fact that some statistics say that many married couples only have sex 64 times a year.   That boils down to once a week, a few holidays & maybe one person’s birthday. 

 And.

 That.

 Is.

 Scary.

 I remember when I first read that statistic, I was a newlywed.  And I remember almost laughing at how ridiculous that was and how that would NEVER be me.

 And then we opened a theatre.  And then our business closed. Then my husband ran for office.  And then we had a baby. Then a miscarriage.  And then another baby.  Then our house flooded and we lost almost everything we owned. And then our house flooded.. Again.  And in the midst of this I am going to an office every day and trying to build my business.  And then. And then. And then.

 In other words…life happened.  And the next thing I knew, we were dangerously….and I mean dangerously close to that 64 times statistic.

 And for me, that was NOT okay and I made a personal commitment to make sure that I did my part to get it together.

 And don’t worry.  I hear what you are saying.

 Robin, it’s not just that life is busy.  But I am just not feeling my husband.   

 “He is spiritually immature…”

 “He is inattentive….”

 “He is insensitive…”

 “He is not involved in any of the day-to-day running of this household…”

 “He is too controlling….”

 “He always says that he is the ‘man of the house’ but I have no idea what that means b/c I don’t see him running anything around here but his mouth…”

 Yea. I know you want to give me a high-five b/c I am hitting on it right?

 Well, the truth is…and this is where you’ll want to take your high-five back….

 …The truth is that we are still mandated by the Word of God to be available for our husbands sexually regardless of all of that.

 But I haven’t left you hanging.  I have penned a blog just for the fella’s.  And, believe it or not, It has been approved by my husband (a woman should never write a blog to men…especially about sex, without having her husband’s approval. Just a little nugget for ya’ll!).  If you can, figure out a way for him to read THIS. 

 But in the meantime, you must continue to do your part to be the wife that GOD calls you to be.  I often have this conversation with women, not only about sex but even about the spiritual mandate of submission.  When I am speaking to a group of women, I tell them that I have done the Biblical research for them…I have looked and looked for the scripture that says we only have to submit when they are doing what’s right…and I can promise you…it’s not in there. 

 The bottom line is that our standard should not only be what our husband desires. If you want to be a woman of God, that honors God, you must do what He has called you to do…and that is to be sexually available to your spouse.

 And often, as women, we miss out on the power that comes from our willingness to serve our husbands sexually.  Most of the time communication between a married couple is way more productive when both parties feel that their needs have been met. So meet his need and watch how much more connected you will be.

 I talked in the blog to men about the importance of a woman being able to TRUST her husband.  But the truth is that “trust” goes both ways.  My Biblical mentor, the Proverbs 31 woman is described in the following way:

 “… The heart of her husband safely trusts her;”

 That is powerful to me! And that “trust” is referring to so much more than fidelity.   

 I believe that scripture is challenging me to create a space that my husband can trust:

 *  That I will not spend money and hide it from him (ouch!)

*  That I won’t slander his name when he is not around

*  That I won’t undermine his parental authority (ouch!)

*  That I will not expose his flaws to my family & friends

 But most of all…he can trust that:

• I will not withhold myself sexually from him until he does things the way I want them to be done!

 As married women we have to look at what we want the most (a healthy marriage that is connected spiritually, emotionally, and physically) over what we want right now (which is most often to have things the way we want them).

But what happens if we are having real issues with our spouse?

What if your husband’s sexual appetite seems completely out of proportion with what is realistic?

 What happens if he has sexual desires that make you feel uncomfortable?

What if you simply no longer attracted to him?

 First, let me tell you that all of those are very real concerns and your concerns should not be minimized.  You MUST get some support if you want your marriage to survive.  The two of you may need to seek professional and / or pastoral help to work out these issues.  Sexual intimacy is such a personal experience but sometimes…like with any issue, you need someone who you can trust to help the two of you navigate this area of your marriage. 

Secondly, you know how you get past the issues of your spouse?  Simply by looking in the mirror and reminding yourself that you have issues too. You have your ways that may cause him to not want to do the things that are important to you.  But if both of you show grace to the other, then both of your needs will be met. 

As married women, can we all commit to being more sexually available to our spouses?  And not just doing what we are supposed to do…but let’s do what we WANT to do.  Let’s have what I call “want to” sex…not “supposed to” sex.

One of my favorite songs (let me warn you…this is not a hymn) is Destiny Child’s “Cater to You”. 

Read some of these lyrics: 

I Promise You
I’ll Keep Myself Up
Remain The Same Chick
You Fell In Love With
I’ll Keep It Tight, I’ll Keep My Figure Right
I’ll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I’ll Roll Over
Baby I Heard You, I’m Here To Serve You
If It’s Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy
All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy

 I think some of us “saved & sanctified” sista’s need to take heed to Destiny’s Child.  Some of us have become too “HOLY” for our own good.  Some of us have “churched” ourselves right into a sexless marriage and we are going to look up and wonder what happened. 

 Again, can you commit with me to doing YOUR part to re-ignite “WANT TO” sex in your marriage?  I truly believe if you do your part, you can trust God to do HIS work on your husband.  God is still in the miracle business!

 ____________________

 (***)NOTE: If your husband is knowingly unfaithful and is sexually involved with another woman (women) or if he is abusive in any manner, than you must do what is necessary to protect yourself even if that means withholding sex.  Please seek professional or pastoral help to navigate through one of those situations!

 

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