“This is just who I am”: The unexamined life that could kill your romance

“This is just who I am…”

“I am such-and-such years old; it’s too late for me to change…”

“You knew this about me when we got together, why are you trippin’ now…”

I could go on and on with these examples.  You have probably used one of these or something similar. 

Come on…be honest.

I’ll go first. 

*Standing up and saying with humility* “My name is Robin and I am stuck in my ways and I definitely don’t like to be criticized”.

Whew! That felt good.

Now…can you admit the same thing?

Isn’t that what it boils down too? 

I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced this.  Your boy/girlfriend, fiancé or spouse has pointed out something that irritates / frustrates / annoys them about you, and your first reaction is a defensive “well, if you don’t like it then maybe you need to be with someone who doesn’t do that”…type of a response!

Wait…you need more examples?  Okay…here you go:

“Maybe who she/he thought they fell in love with isn’t who I really am…”

“If you can’t accept me for me then that’s just too bad…”

“I am happy with who I am…”

The reason these excuses sound so good is because there is a HINT (and I mean just a HINT) of truth in them. 

Yes. 

•  All of us should be able to embrace who we are…the good, bad and ugly. 
• We want our significant other (SO) to be able to look past our shortcomings and love us anyway. 
• We shouldn’t try and change ourselves every time someone points something out that they don’t like.

The problem is that many of us take the truth of those statements…and we take them waaaay tooo faarr!

I love the quote that says:   An unexamined life is not a life worth living.

  Read that again…

An unexamined life is not a life worth living.

When you refuse to look at some of the things you say & do…or you refuse to examine how you are ‘showing up in the world’, you are choosing to live an unexamined life and that is not the foundation to a healthy relationship.

I teach a series called “Seven Secrets to a Successful Romance” (click HERE to take the course in the comfort of your own home. Perfect for individuals or couples).  One of the MAIN secrets is that if you want to have a successful romance you MUST be self-aware.  But self-awareness is not enough.  You MUST be willing to do something about the ‘stuff’ that you become aware of; especially if that ‘stuff’ is hindering the growth of your romance.

So when you use one of the excuses listed above as to why you refuse to at least examine whether there is any truth to what your SO is pointing out, then you are choosing to live an unexamined life.   It doesn’t mean that every time someone points something out to you, that you must go on a mission to ‘fix’ yourself. 

What it does mean…is that if you have committed to being in a relationship, part of what God does through the person we are with (especially our spouses) is that He allows our relationship to expose those parts about us that need to be molded, shifted and even at times eliminated. 

I believe one of the greatest things about a healthy relationship is that it is a constant mirror.  We are able to see ourselves, flaws and all, and determine if we are courageous enough to make the change needed to be a better person. 

Ya’ll know how I learn best from real life examples & assuming others do too, I try to be as transparent as possible about the ways my husband and I drop the ball (and how we try to pick it back up).  So here is an example of how this played out recently for us:

Last year my husband and I were in the midst of a real good argument.  You know…one of those that get real heated and neither of you are ready to back down.  Well at one point my husband begins to go off about how sarcastic I am.  Now Lee is normally on 5 so when he gets to 7 or 8, while I don’t show it at that time, I pay way more attention.  So he was on “8” (I think he even used a curse word!!) and was saying how my mouth gets on his nerves.  He said that I always have something smart to say or that I think my sarcasm is funny all the time and it really isn’t. 

Well, can I be honest?  It really hurt my feelings.  And my first response to him was “Oh. Really?  That’s how you feel? We’ve been together 18 years! And I’ve been this way for that long! You’ve been holding all this in this long.  Oh. Ok!  Well, I got you.  This means you don’t like me.  You really don’t like who I am…b/c my sarcasm is a part of who I am!”  And I was so serious.  I promise I didn’t talk to him for several days (don’t do as I do…! Lol).  I was convinced that we were in some serious trouble because I made up in my mind that he wanted me to change everything about myself and I was not going to do that (I know.  Drama).

But let me tell you how the Holy Spirit began to get me. God allowed me to see me through my 4-year-old.  My daughter is so very sarcastic and ‘she get it from her mama!’.  Now I love Ry’s quick wit and I love how her questions make you really have to think about what you just said.  But that mouth of hers…  Whew! It wears me out.  And I realized…even though there were parts of that sarcasm that was funny to me…not all of it was.  But regardless, I still loved ALL of her.  Just b/c I see some areas that need smoothing out…I still love all of that little girl.  So if I can love her, in spite of those things that make me wanna put her up for adoption…then maybe, when my husband pointed out an area that irked him…maybe that DIDN”T mean that he didn’t still love and even like me.

So I made the decision to stop being defensive and listen to what he was saying.  I realized that trying to join two lives together takes work and that includes being willing to grow…to mature…and yes…even to CHANGE. (Yes…it has taken me almost 10 yrs of marriage to get this. *shrugs shoulders*)

So the next time you find yourself holding on to the lie that “I can’t change” just remember….you are powerful beyond measure. 

You CAN change.

 You just have to decide if you are willing too.